Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
