I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
