OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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