so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
