booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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