Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
