I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Randomize
