the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Randomize
