Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
