She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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