I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
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