Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
