Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
