so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
In other news, I just burned my penis
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
