Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
