gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
