Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
