hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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