Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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