my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
