What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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