be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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