Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
