Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
