hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
