How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
