You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Randomize
