I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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