: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
