I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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