so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
