Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
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