I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I touched a dick in church today
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
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