You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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