Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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