i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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