____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Of course I have a pirate flag
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
