we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
