I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Randomize
