1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize