Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
