dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
