I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
pop tarts are not kleenex
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
