I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
