how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
i will never coherently bang her
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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