i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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