your room smells of hookers.
And success
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
