It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I got inside last night via doggy door
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
