Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
