i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
