I don't usually arrange sex via text message
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
high people should be assigned attendants
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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