Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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