dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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