I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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