I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
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