So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize