Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
