Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
