someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
why is half of my head shaved?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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