My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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