i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
