brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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