i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
