I'm going to jail i love you
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
